Thank you
Thank you for life, energy, imagination
For questions be remain unanswered even in your presence
Thank you for long stories and conclusions that can change
For beginnings that remain and can be retold
Your absence give space to desire you more
Even if it is only an illusion
Thank you for doubt and frustration
Give to us the reward of resolution only when it is time
Grant us the energy and discipline to go on even when riddled with doubt.
Faith in what matters… Questions in all else

A few months ago my Small group was studying our way through Richards Foster’s classic “Celebration of Discipline”. Midway through the book he mentions the Christian concept of the Dark Night of the Soul, originally described by the great mystic St. John of the Cross. Our group had a hard time grasping this concept. It seemed so bleak and devoid of joy, unlike the Christian life we feel pressured to expect by popular Christianity. The models of faith before us are often marked with an almost excessive sense of joy that boarders on lunacy. We can feel as though we are not truly being faithful unless we feel the same way. But then we learn that great people of faith like Mother Theresa endured the Dark Night for years on end. Their acts of charity and piety brought no reward. There was no quid pro quo relationship between working for justice and a spiritual high. Daily devotion to prayer, meditation, and fasting were no guarantee that one would have this fanatical Joy that I described earlier. But St John of the Cross did not see the Dark Night of the Soul as being punitive, rather he saw it as a blessing. This dryness of faith strips us our of pretense that union with God can be formulaic. Feel dry… Take these 3 spiritual practices and call me in 2 weeks. God cannot be manipulated like that. When the Dark Night strips us of pretense and moves us to brokenness and desperation we can finally be in a position to see it as St John did… A mysterious blessing. I would describe my last few months to be a Dark Night for me. God has given me moments of ecstasy and moments of fullness in Him, but I have experienced a disconnect and emptiness in acts of piety and service. Any reward is short-lived and carries no lasting impact. Here this evening I feel God thinly and deeply moving me to desperation and brokenness. It isn’t fun or pleasing or quick or predictable. But it’s real. I pray my Dark Night is ending, but if God requires more to further break me and mold me so be it.

God be near me
May I feel your presence
Make me desire you alone
Purify my and make me whole
Whether my days are filled with ecstasy or dryness…
Still I will seek you. Amen

In an economy as scarred at ours, in a political system as ineffectual as ours, and in a corporate environment as hubristic as ours one has to wonder can sanity be found. 

I find myself desiring not solutions to problems or wanting captivating visions of a healthy future, but rather seeking above all things “sensible conversation”.  Oh, how I long for an honest discussion of real issues devoid of labels, hyperbole, false certainties, and placing words in each others’ mouths.  But I must admit my own inability to hold up my end of that desire.  When I honestly ask myself if I can participate in a conversation where honest exploration supplants labels, when fair speech replaces hyperbole, when honest doubt holds in check certainty, and where I listen first….. Sadly the only conclusion I can find is that I firmly feel that I can abstain from those things better than most others; and in that conclusion I realize that my own hubris is near at hand.

For us to pursue sensible conversation we must set the stage for it with time and honesty.  That is one thing I’ve learned in recent years.  Most of the difficult decisions I’ve made both personally and theologically are not decisions that I’ve arrived at lightly or quickly, and therefore cannot be explained in a short while.  Time and honesty.  Honesty, the second part, is not merely the honesty required to adequately explain who you are and where you’re coming from with out deception.  The type of honesty required means being transparent with yourself and your conversational partner(s) about our inability to speak without unfair labels, emotionally charged hyperbole, false certainties, and prejudices.  Perhaps only then “sensible conversation” can happen.

O Lord, how amazing is your Spirit

     when she inhabits the lives of the young

We see your enthusiasm for all of humanity

     in their moments of pure joy

Restore to us again that type of joy

     a joy that does not doubt itself

     or get caught in the arguements of our internal being

From that place send us out to boldly proclaim your favor to all peoples.